You ask me not to take the plunge

You tell me not to take the pills

Though I made that promise to you

It's too late, my blood already spills

Everyone within them has that empty space

The little hole amongst their soul

That no one can ever trace

Well mine has become a vacuum

Sucking in all other things

My hope begins to linger

And dwindling are my dreams

I've become an empty shell

Empty smile, empty eyes

And when I speak of happiness

It's just a pack of lies

I promised you I wouldn't commit

But my soul I must omit

And long ago my heart already quit

So honestly, it was just a load of $#!*

Because while my blood flows unerringly

My shell is empty, unbearably....

*sighs* I suppose I should be happy... I'm finally... completely.... alone...

Mother wants to have me scanned... She thinks I'm either Suicidle (Which I am, but will never do it, due to the promises I have made. I will NOT be dishonerable!) or I'm Homocidle. Literally. You may think that's funny... No, she actually thinks I'm going to murder someone. Take a bat to someone. Knife someone good. *shrugs* So I may end up on more medication than I want to be on... I mean, in all actuality, I don't want to be on -any- pills... but I should be. I took myself off of them. If I can't win a battle on my own, then I am too weak to win anyways, and deserve to lose, whatever the consequences.

*sighs* It would be a lot easier if I had some support from friends though.... I love Chrissy, but... she's just... No... she still lives in Happy Valley. The life of a normal, quiet, young woman. We just... don't connect anymore... I love her to death, but when it comes to opposites attracting, we're beyond hope. Ari... well, she never cared anyways. Keira... I think I've started scaring her. *shrugs* I suppose that's what I do right? Scare people? Mother thinks I'm going to kill someone, why shouldn't someone else think I'm stalking them? Kyle... Well, we won't go there. Let's just say that any hope I had of killing the vacuum... died. Kirstin is too happy with Jon, and I say let them be. SOMEone deserves some happiness... Natalie, my best friend for... 10+ years, suddenly decides she's going bigger and better and doesn't need me anymore. I hope she lives a happy life, because I won't help her if she ever needs any support. Julia is so innocent, you mention the though of someone being suicidle, and she freaks. My Oregonian friends.... They love me... they do, but... distance can wedge people apart, and I'm feeling it. *sighs* Am I ever feeling it... So I'm basically alone.

Completely.... alone.

~Alisa