When There's So Much Light, Why Do I Feel So Dark?

I wrote this huge blog and then it died. Long story short, I was going to kill myself Saturday night. Mary pulled a girl thing on me, and I didn't, because there was that stupid grain of hope in the pit of my stomach again that maybe she will someday love me like I love her. Blah blah blah depression and now I'm over it and I won't kill myself during the Christmas season so leave me alone about it.

But you... you and your vulcanized chocolate eyes bubbling and thick and like peanut butter on the roof of my mouth I keep licking my lips to try to form words through the flush in my cheeks whenever you're around. There's a heat that you ignite within me and it's scorching me from the inside out. I can't sleep and I can't breathe and I can't eat because all I can imagine is you, and just the idea that for a moment in time you thought you were in love with me sends me reeling, sends me soaring through the clouds and sends me sloshing through the pits of Hell. Dishonor dishonor dishonor and my honor is my life and I don't expect you to understand that but this wrong.

Being tethered with soul stitches to you and when you leave its like having those little black threads tear through my skin, burst through the flesh and leave me shaking and bleeding and breathless and it takes me hours to recover from seeing you. Standing next to you and all I want to do is wrap my arms around your waist and pull you close and look into your eyes and become fossilized as the amber around the edges eases over me and encases me and that's where I would want to be for the rest of my life. Such desire to kiss your forehead your nose your cheek ears neck lips... In a breathless whirl of passion I want to kiss you like you've always wanted to be kissed, kiss you like the world is ending because in my mind, in my world it is. I want snow to flurry down around us and I want to pin you against your car, one hand on either side of you and my legs keeping your's in place and I want to lean in with that gravelly voice that I get when I'm exhausted and believe me, I would be for what it would take to gain the courage to do that, and whisper in your ear, "Is this what you wanted? Is this what you were after?" Kiss your neck and whisk you away to that special place that I want so desperately to help you attain.

This, this is why I can't handle being alive. Silly girl, how could you confuse friendly concern with romantic love? Tell me you hate me, tell me you never want to speak to me again, this is what I need to hear to be able to function, to be able to live with the knowledge that nothing will ever happen. Please. I'm begging you.

I love you.

~Alisa