When There's So Much Light, Why Do I Feel So Dark?

Hello Universe.

I think it's time we have a bit of a heart to heart.

Thank you. I really do need to thank you before this begins. Thank you for giving me opportunities that most kids my age only dream of. Thank you for giving me the chance to be financially stable and whats more, financially successful by the time I'm 21. Thank you for giving me such a fantastic friends that care and worry about me and are so willing to work with me and teach me all that they know. Thank you. Thank you for letting me find peace with my mother and my estranged father.

But the thing is universe... you gave me all that I asked for, except you seemed to have forgotten WHY I asked for it all... I wanted to give it all to that special person, remember? Silly universe, I don't have a special person to give this all to, so why are you doing this to me? Tormenting me with the success I've dreamt of but knowing it'll just be. Me myself and I.

What do you say to someone who wants nothing more than to give you the world?

Universe, I'm getting very fed up with being rejected time and time again. Are you testing me? Why am I not jaded? I wish I were. I wish I believed that love doesn't exist, that it's crap, that it's worthless and does nothing but destroy lives but I know better, I know so much better. If I have the capability to love as much as I do, someone else out there has to have that same capacity to love me, right?

And it's motion city soundtrack bouncing in my head, this lemon twist of meloncholy and bittersweet integrity that I'm trying so hard to accept as my future and smile despite the fact that my eyes have sunk into my head because I can't sleep at nights because of the nightmares and because of the loneliness that I can't seem to swallow down against the lump in my throat. Given the opportunity I'll just prop myself in my bed, naked as the day I came into this world because truly, what better skin to wear than my own, and watch the day and the world go by as the snow swirls across my window and encompasses all of the insecurity I feel and have within me.

I know I'm unattractive. I've come to terms with being not all that great looking, with having scars all over me and having that sort of hardened look in my eyes that seems to frighten people when I'm at a show. I know I'm coarse, and crass, and inappropriate on so many levels. But God be damned Universe, I know I have so much to offer this world, so much to offer to these people. I'm charming, I'm intelligent, I'm romantic, I'm sweet and tender but strong and playful and determined. I'm so sick of trying to give people all of me. You said that was good Universe, you told me that's the way people work, that no one wants to be with someone they don't know, so I was supposed to give all of myself to these people because only when I have nothing left of myself to give will I truly be happy. You're full of shit Universe.

Pin me against the wall and show me the lust that I see in your eyes, show me the tricks and the love that money just can't buy, kiss me kill me just take me away from this hell that I call midday.

I'm done trying. If she decides she likes me, she knows where I am. *sighs* I'm too tired, and really, shouldn't have to try this hard to get a girl to like me to begin with. I'm sick of always working to get someone to like me. I'm done. I really don't want to play this game anymore. I don't want to play anymore.

Here. Here's the dice, here's my money, here's my property, I'm done trying to offer you the world by tricking you into winning.

I'm going cliffdiving off the curb of the road and hoping when I hit that powdered snow in a flurry of twisted smiles and poignant music I'll find peace, hope, strength, anything that it takes to be able to make it through this point in my life.

Money isn't everything, but it's all you're willing to give me right now.

~Alisa