I can't wait to go to Oregon... like, three more weeks, and then it's nothing but two weeks of sweet, sweet nirvana.

...I hope it comes soon enough... *sighs heavily* You would think that me acing school would make me feel light, easy, laid-back... No. Not me. It does the oppisite... I start stressing over the little things. "Did I turn in Project 14 yet? I did it a week early, did I print it off and turn it in then? Or did I think I would do it when it was due?" "Did I get that homework done in class? Yes... Did I do number 54 though?! I didn't! Dumb Alisa, dumb dumb dumb..." "...I only got a 94 on this geometry test.... why only a 94? Talk about stupid. You can do so well, but you still didn't do well enough. Stupid stupid stupid..." "You missed one on your spanish test. You should have known them all. You shouldn't have missed it. You're stupid Alisa. You're an idiot. You should have gotten that one right. It was easy. You idiot."

...And then my friend got extremely angry today... *shivers and holds back the tears a little bit* ...It scared me... I've never seen him so violent... Fourth period I couldn't concentrate because I was still so shaken up..... I don't want to care about him like that. I don't want to, because nothing is ever going to happen. He's waiting for something bigger, better. Someone who will actually -do- something with her life... someone who can give him a full hundred percent... I know and understand all of this... He's amazing... I don't think he quite knows just how amazing he truly is. However... what with that temper... It struck me straight to the core... I was ashen white and jumpy and emotional for the rest of the day... I actually yelled at a bunch of people after school... it wasn't their fault... I mean, sure they're preppies, but I mean, who am I to judge them on that? I didn't even know any of them. That was wrong of me... see? Another mistake. I'm freakin' worthless... I screamed at them, because they were all mauling each other in front of the C-building doors... so I finally broke through and just yelled at the top of my lungs "GOD DAMNED PREPPIES!" *looks ashamed* ...they really didn't deserve that... and I shouldn't have said it...

See how much he affects me?! ...Nothing is ever going to happen... so why do I still care so much for him? *sighs heavily*

What's the point, anyways... no one's ever going to care about me... I suppose it's a good thing... Look at today, I'm nothing but a freakin' failure... I can't do anything right... Besides, these shadows in people's minds that I dwell in are becoming rather comfortable...

~Alisa

[Ah yes, the days when I was head over heels for Kyle. He's still my friend.]