Well, for any of you concerned about me, or ever end up being concerned... I will never commit suicide. The picture at the top? That one? ^ There? Yeah. That was the one I settled with. It's got enough pain, blood, and emotion in it. However... what I had orignally in mind, was a suicide jumper... so I got on Google and looked up suicide pictures... *shivers and closes her eyes tightly, willing herself not to cry* Never again will I think of doing it...

Last night... these past couple of days... all purpose to my life died. I just... it just all became very pointless to me. I figured I could do more good with my death than I ever could with my life. So I was going to put a picture up there at the top, and then when the time was appropriate... write a good bye blog. Well... turns out that's never going to happen. I saw what suicide does to people... I read the statistics, I read articles, I read people's stories... I read a couple of suicide notes... but worst of all... I read the faces of the dead ones. I read the faces of the live ones. And the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed... I read the faces of the children they left behind.

I have a young womens to take care of. I don't care about anything else. Those of you older than myself, you could handle it. You'd get over it. You'd move on. But my girls... they would be devestated. Rachel especially. Imagine... *swallows hard* No. No more imagining. I did my imagining last night. I sat, looking at pictures for over three hours and just cried and cried and cried... and I don't cry. It's just not something I do. I threw up a couple of times too... and then I had nightmares about them the rest of the night... I had to sleep with my light on, how big of a baby am I? *sighs sadly* Besides... I don't want to make anyone clean me up. (Literally)

And now I can't even die the way I want to. Is nothing in this world going to go right for me? I get to go to Oregon... I get to see my daddy and my step mom, and my family of friends... *chokes up a little bit* But at what price? The price of my sanity? Knowing that though I see them now, things will never be like they used to? Knowing that I will never be able to go back home, where I belong amongst them?

Kiss me with your lips of poisin
Pull me in with your silken lies
Kill me slowly with thoughts of reason
And cut off all of my reality ties

Wrap me in your thorns of sanity
Use me like you used that world
Twist me with your ways of vantiy
Take my essence; take my soul

Life is nothing but sweet pain
Why not use me to your own ends?
Throw me away and use me again
Look at the mixed message it sends

As I balance at the brink
I look down, and begin to think
"Oh please God, no more blood in my sink"
I feel him write my name in red ink

Death to you
Freedom to me...

~Alisa