Well, Ari returned the hoodie to me today. Not personally. Naw, I picked it up from the bottom of her locker... where I think it sat the entire time, since the day I gave it to her. What does it matter though? Who cares? It's fine... I'll take it back to Pac Sun tommorow and get my fifty bucks back... No big deal. I'll take that money and put it towards... Um... Oregon. Yeah... I'll put it somewhere that it can be useful...

Not that I care. I shouldn't. According to her story, it's not her fault, it's her parents. However... the fact that the tags are still on the hoodie, the fact that it smells just like it did when I gave it to her, which means she didn't take it with her to the concert, and the fact that the sincerity her voice portrays does not reflect what her eyes say... Bah. What does it matter. If I were her, I would have done the same thing, I suppose.

*sighs* Have you ever just wanted to make it all go away? Just... I don't know... Right now, I just want to go to the top of the tallest building I can find... and stand at the ledge. Stand there for hours and hours, talking to God, telling him that I'm sorry, talking to everyone... telling them how sorry I am. And then, once I feel at peace... jump. Feel the wind whipping my hair around my face, feel it cool the tears and rip them from my face, and then, right before I hit the ground... smile. The first real smile since Oregon. And just feel at peace, and then I could die. I would die happy... Kami, how badly I want to jump off right now... It would make things so much easier, everything and everyone... would be happier without me. I don't care what you say. It's true. Nothing you can say will ever change the fact that I know that I'm not wanted here. Go ahead, lie to me. Lie to me, to yourself, to the world. I'm not wanted. Don't worry though... I'll be gone soon enough... only a year longer, and then I can graduate... Just ignore me until then. I will go away.

No dedication today. Nothing. Nada. Instead, the song that's keeping me alive.

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand.
I would understand,

The angry boy, a bit too insane,
Icing over a secret pain,
You know you don't belong,
You're the first to fight, You're way too loud,
You're The flash of light, On a burial shroud,
I know something's wrong,
Well everyone I know has got a reason, To say, put the past away,

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, That you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand.

Well he's on the table, And he's gone to code,
And I do not think anyone knows,
What they are doing here,
And your friends have left, You've been dismissed,
I never thought it would come to this, And I, I want you to know,
Everyone's got to face down the demons,
Maybe today, We can put the past away,

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand,
I would understand...

Can you put the past away, I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
I would understand...

*bites her lip and tries to ignore the tears streaming down her face*

~Alisa

[Edit: That song really did save my life and kept me alive for a good month or so.]