When There's So Much Light, Why Do I Feel So Dark?

I guess it's all just a matter of symmetry, the balance between good and evil and all the darkness inside of me overwhelming my senses till I am drowning in the nothingness of blissful sweet unfeeling. Time to close up, sink back into my shell and let the wounds cauterize and bruises fade away in self preservation because I can't take much more of this but everything is going to be alright, for once everything is going to be alright but right now I'm too tender to be touched too tender to be looked at so let me heal, give me time to heal and rebuild and fortify my defenses again because you, you and your candy apple eyes, you somehow snuck in at a time when I had no defenses and I'm sorry but things are going to change now. No more of what are my thoughts because even prisons are private property and I can keep you out and right now, I plan to in order to keep the damage from spreading past devastating.

Sunsets falling in the black pools of my pupils and we are lost in the sea of sanctuary and cyanide because when it comes to serenity and suicide both take human sacrifices but only with one of them do you get to choose the offering. Diving head first into the Buddhist reflecting pool tainted green with Nyquil and all of my fears to date because only when I am immersed beneath the surface of my freezing fears can I be truly fearless, truly confident. Lift my head to break the surface tension in a sonic boom of kerosene being sprayed into the air and lifting my face into the sun I catch fire and I scream, I scream and I twist and I writhe in agony and pleasure because I can burn this unholiness out of me the impurities out of me and isn't that what fire is for is to clean the earth and everyone on it?

Black and white and a world of grays and she's so bright, so beautiful and so bright that it blinds me, my weak eyes crying in pain because I've never seen anyone shine so brightly with so little ambition and you are the anomaly in my life and I've been standing here for hours, everyone else has already left and it's just snow, pure and white carrying your essence to me on the wind in the field where Schopenhauer taught me how to use his telescope and teacher teacher tell me about your wife, tell me about the letters your wrote to her and tell me a secret teacher tell me a secret and I'll dig it a grave in Wonderland where it can find me, me in my anachronistic Mad Hatter outfit, so lithe and so flexible and almost like liquid I never stop moving and never stop talking and never stop philosophizing because without words we are nothing we are nothing I am nothing... My mind is trapped beneath these glossy eyes and despite this shell I wear with the coat tails and top hat and flowery words my mind is clawing at the gelatinous orbs trapping it, keeping it inside of my skull and I'll bow, tip my hat to you Alice Alice coming down the tunnel and the white rabbit has already come by, but I'm afraid you might be too late, I do believe my friend the Cheshire Cat has already taken him in for dinner but don't worry, wait around and tomorrow he'll be back at the same time saying the same time but be quick, because it's my turn to have dinner this week with his delicate flesh. Alice Alice with your gentle soul and alabaster skin, you look at me horrifed and I wish, oh how I wish I understood your horror, how I wish I felt human like you instead of like a pseudopod of skin and bone with a monster inside. You bend down and reach out and stroke my cheek and I shatter in a million pieces of razor wire and glass, slicing your hand open and you recoil, your act of kindness denied and poisoned because I'll never see it for what it really is, just an act of tenderness.

There are people down south who are noticing my increasing presence. There are people down south who are not happy with my increasing presence. There are people down south with pitchforks and handguns and if I'm not careful the baker will be digging my pathway to Wonderland soon. Watch my footsteps, tread lightly and carefully because there are land mines in every mile I tread.

Motion City menagerie with lyrics from all their songs mixing into one that I can barely handle... But I get carried away with every phrase and made up malady the longer I hide behind these lies, the more I disintegrate so much to say but no words to convey the loneliness building with each passing day you never get used to it, you just have to live with it... When I'm awake, I make the same mistakes they make when I'm awake I can't escape when I'm awake I make the same mistakes they make and everything just falls apart... Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise in memory of what we used to call in love and only time will tell if violins will swell in memory of what we used to call in love used to call it love... I get lost, messed up and bored when I'm alone too long I can't sleep, function or eat when I'm not with someone, late last fall, she ended it all and moved to who-knows-where, just like that, she vanished and packed and never even called... Do you feel a certain sense of synergy between yourself and me? A kind of macabre and somber Wondertwin type of harmony? What if it was you? You that I needed all along...

Don't care about me. I don't.

~Alisa