When There's So Much Light, Why Do I Feel So Dark?

Tonight was Stake Young Women's night, Daddy Daughter. I took David Caldwell. Or... he took me. Such a great man.

Anyways, it's funny, isn't it? I don't pay tithing any more, I don't pray, I go to church but I don't want to... I don't enjoy having to participate in a religion, and yet I'm the only young woman who stays after to clean up. An extra hour and a half bare footed. Fun fun, right?

Yes well... I know, some of you mormans are out there, "Gasp! She's going to hell for this!" However, what else should I do? I won't stay on my knees, pleading, -begging- for God to turn back to me. So I stand, and I will walk away from him. No, I do not curse him. I merely walk away in silence. Just not my style.

Anyways... *sighs* I don't know what we are going to do... we may not get this house. The deadline, like, absolute "get it or get out" deadline, was six o'clock today. We don't find out till tommorow morning. If it doesn't... We don't know. We have no where to go, no place to live, and we have to repack everything and up and move again. Something I -don't- look forward to doing... We just finally got almost settled... Dumb appraiser... *curses loudly and foully*

So last night, I was so uber-stressed. My philosophy is if you can't find it when you need it, then make it. Well, I can't find anything good, happy, peaceful, joyful in my life right now. So I went out and bought Arianne a BAM hoodie. I hope she liked it. She says she does... I don't know, it just, made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, to think that I did something for someone I care for. ^^ Just that I made her smile makes me happy. Of course, after she left, I felt like I wanted to break down and cry again, but that's ok. Now I just think about it and the urge to crawl into a corner and die recedes. So I suppose it served it's purpose, right? *sighs* And now I have a horrid head ache...

Mom's so stressed, she just cries. "Mom, what do you want for dinn-?" "*cries*"

It was funny the first fifteen times... but it's gotten really old. Anyways. I feel like total crap. So I'm going to go to bed now.

This entry brought to you by!: Ari, for shining with joy when I can find none of my own. Chrissy, for feeling safe enough to confide in me. To Keira, for being so sturdy in the gospel, and for just smiling. And Jacque, for -still- loving his neglectful mommy! ...You guys, though you don't seem to realize it, are some of the only friends I have right now... sad, but true... So thanks for being here for me in my loneliness.

~Alisa

[Edit: I know now that God never turns his back on you. It's always you that walks away. Always.]